okay, i know this sounds a little too easy. especially for me. i mean, do i really want to give up something that i'm really good at? i mean, i'm really, really good at it. when my boyfriend first moved to new york, i would invent these terrible scenarios when he didn't call me before he went to bed, or better, before i went to bed. suddenly he's lying in some ditch - no gutter (there probably aren't a lot of ditches in n.y.c.) drawing his last breath, and i won't even know anything about the loss of my one true love for weeks, because his roommate is rarely around, and probably won't think anything about him being gone, until rent is due. i can't sleep. i'm literally sobbing thinking of the short, short time we have had to love each other.
then he calls and tells me how he met up with friends and stayed out late. he couldn't call me on the subway, well, because it's underground. i know that. he's fine, i go to bed. this happens several times.
anyway, i'm done with all that. this farewell to worry has been, well at least to my knowledge, beginning to happen for the past few weeks, although i'm sure that God has been trying to beat it out of me for years now. i think it began a couple of weeks ago when i decided to register for this class, that i normally would not be able to afford. i really wanted to take it. i made myself a budget and said, well... we'll just go with it.
then last week, i get this job i really want, but i still have to put in my two weeks at the cafe and keep my job as a nanny in order to pay rent. these tasks become walls; to my right i have my new job, in front of me is the job i'm leaving, to the left is good old nannying, and behind me that sneaky little class i just signed up for. they are all inching toward me faster than i can handle. but instead of having an anxiety attack and panicking, i push them back, just a little nudge, so that they at least stop moving toward me. i say to myself, it will all work out, don't freak out.
but things really started happening yesterday. one of the pastors at my Church gives a sermon on psalm 33, and the one thing he says that really resonates- it is the only thing i write down- is that we have nothing to fear but the God who loves us with unfailing and unconditional love. it becomes clear to me that worrying is just fear of not knowing what will happen.
i get kind of mad too, because i have been trained to worry.... i think that i will save that for another blog.
so after church i'm really hungry, i had about 10 cheerios left in my only box of cereal this morning. so i know that i must eat and go to work in about an hour. so i drive to work and look for a parking spot, all the meters are taken, it's Sunday. i drive past this particular spot several times. it is huge, the sign says "NO PARKING, TOW ZONE: monday - friday " but i pass it up because... isn't it weird that no one has parked there... I pass this spot 3 times until finally I say to myself. What are you afraid of?! Just park there! Stop worrying, you're starving and this space is literally screaming PARK HERE TIA!! THIS SPOT IS YOURS!!!! So I do. And my car is still there when I was done with work 7 hours later.
so this morning i get up, and lay here. i look at "eat, pray, love" on top of a pile of books around me and grab it. i'm at the pray part, where she's talking about how she is a control freak, and she's afraid to let go and let things happen. her friend tells her to just try it, and you'll see that birds will keep flying... life will go on. i read this and all of the scriptures that i have memorized about worry ring so loud and true in my head! but i wonder, like elizabeth gilbert, what in the world will i do with all my energy if i'm not worrying. then i read look for God... like a man with his head on fire looks for water.
so, i know that this will be a fight. i can already feel myself fighting back. a part of me is scared that things won't work out if i am not worrying. i hop in the shower, and before i know it a strand of my hair catches a flame. then two, but i have a lot of hair, and before i know it i'm standing here in the shower, thinking of all the people who i've forgotten to e-mail, the phone calls i haven't returned, the work i have to do, it's monday for pete's sake! i'm standing here in the shower completely on fire.
for the first time ever, i tell myself, well, tia, you can't do anything about it in the shower, so just enjoy the shower. and i do.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment